Shaken Not Stirred

Monday, December 12, 2005

I Double Dare You

Last weekend, I drove up to Columbus, Ohio for my cousin's company party. It's a beautiful drive between Ohio and West Virginia. Well, for the most part it's beautiful, until you get to Ohio and all you see in cornfield or just field.

My cousin works for some sort of computer company that does land and business surveying. They do the layouts for department stores and restaurants and blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH! She lost me after she said computer. In fact, I was lost most of the night when various people told me what they did and what their "contribution" for 2005 had been. I did learn that they reached their "high five for 2005" goals, and the company president was well pleased with his employees. He said between 1998 and 2005 they had gone from being a company of 70 employees to 500. And they went from having one branch to three. He said the employees should be highly commended. I begged to differ with his show of gratitude. First of all, open bar? Not--they were was a two drink limit and then you had to pay. Secondly, what was he feeding them? My cup-o-soup cooking abilities outshines whatever was being served in those bins. Thirdly, as a reward for working there for at least 10 years, employees were rewarded with a pen.

Back to the open bar--I ordered a martini and they served it to me in a small plastic cup (a punch bowl cup replica). Nothing dignified in sipping a martini from a plastic cup. Not that I was trying to be dignified. I already felt like a bafoon from my lack of martini knowledge. When I told the bartender I wanted a martini--shaken not stirred of course, he replied "how do you want it?". I was taken aback and said, "Shaken not stirred". He then said, "Dirty, Up, Down, on the rocks?". I told him to suprise me. WTF? I thought I was an afficianado when it came to martinis.

What is it about company parties that bring out the unthinkable in many of it's employees. For instance, everyone dancing to the Electric Slide? And how has that dance not died out yet? What I noticed was the dance floor being crowded during these line-dances like YMCA or Macarena, but being completely empty during other songs. I came to the conclusion that people of this caliber can't dance unless, like their floppy discs, it's formatted.

To top off the drunken dancing, when we all went out to celebrate the end of the mundane company party, the employees further showed their unthinkable sides. We went to a bar that was playing retro-music (Bon Jovi, extremely early material girl Madonna, Dexy's Midnight Runner) so everyone was having fun dancing. One of the employees, who was trying to pick up my cousin, started danicing with her and I. In his drunken lack of rhythm dancing, he started to spank himself to the music. In an effort to keep from laughing, I turned around. He mistook this for I DON'T KNOW WHAT, but began to spank my ass! Too mortified for words, I excused myself to get a drink.

One of the tasks I completed this weekend was a dare from Eers. She dared us, to walk up to someone, stare at our manparts then look a random chick in the eye and say, "It doesn't suck itself". This task was suppose to be completed last week, but since I hung out with my parents last week couldn't go thru with it. This time however, in a town where I didn't know anyone, no one knew me, it would be perfect. After the company party, I headed out with my cousin and her co-workers to downtown bar. After two shots, I walked up to a girl, a completed the task. Her quick witted response? "No, it doesn't suck itself! It needs the whole package"--said while waving her hand over my whole being. Ouch! Touche! I may have ruined the dare by saying to her that it was a dare, and that I'm not ordinarily like that. She smiled, became pensive, looked into my eyes and said, "I believe you. I don't know why I do, but I do". And then she smiled again before excusing herself to go to the bathroom.

How was your weekend?


  • I enjoyed hearing this story over the phone--even better!!! Hahahaha..."Whip it!" You should have whipped him back! JK! I can only imagine the look on your face:-)

    By Anonymous Babette, at 11:20 AM  

  • that's awesome !!! i love these awkward office parties... i'm dreading mine tomorrow actually... i can't believe you went through with the dare.. i have a whole new respect for you man !!!

    re: martini
    that bartender is a douchebag!!!

    By Blogger totolehero, at 11:30 AM  

  • LOL- both stories, too funny! i always wondered about the electric slide myself...will that song ever die?? lmao

    By Blogger vani, at 11:36 AM  

  • Angel---aaaaaah! First of all, that sounds like the lamest office party ever. how tacky and cheap.

    I CANNOT believe that guy spanked you!!!!

    AND I can't believe you actually went through with that dare!!!

    By Blogger Anhoni Patel, at 12:02 PM  

  • glad i read this, for a good laugh to start off my week.
    first of all, the reason there was a 2 drink limit, is these peeps don't usually drink, therefore, that should do it.

    secondly, that guy who was spanking himself is scary, turn him in to the place where you turn in scary people.

    thirdly, the other reason for the cheap stuff was that's how the company got where they are, they are cheap.

    fourthly, in the year 2006, are they going for the "high 6"? find out. it's a must know.

    hope you and the smily girl can find a way to hook up again, it's not often a girl smiles and stuff. smiling is good. it can take away the pain of being spanked during a dance to songs by geek bands.

    By Blogger Badoozie, at 12:22 PM  

  • I'm still not adjusted to living in a world where not everyone is drunk by six, sloshing around by nine, and has puked thrice before midnight. Company parties seem to serve as a harsh reminder that just about everyone else in the world, in fact, sucks at life.

    Now this two drink limit business? Heeeeeeelllll naw.

    Sounds like you had a blast, though. Way to be.

    By Blogger Vince, at 2:31 PM  

  • I had a company party but there wasn't as much as drunkeness as the one you attended. We got blankets and an ornament. And I love the prank.

    By Blogger mrshife, at 3:53 PM  

  • He mistook this for I DON'T KNOW WHAT, but began to spank my ass!

    ha ha - What's a man to do !!!!!!

    I really can't imagine what I would have done, depending on mood as varied as punched his face to walk away !

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:38 PM  

  • I live in Columbus now.

    It does suck itself.

    By Blogger T. Leach, at 4:39 PM  

  • That pick up line is so bad that I am surprised that it didn't work.

    By Blogger :P fuzzbox, at 7:02 PM  

  • Did they have plastic table "linens" and bowls of peanuts???

    Sounds a bit lame.

    What is up with those goofy dances. I cannot escape any of them at any wedding. And at Filipino weddings, forget it. They will do the Electric Slide at least three damn times.

    Ohio does suck. I've been there enough to know. I hear the Electric Slide is very popular in Ohio.

    By Blogger The Phoenix, at 7:12 PM  

  • I despise company parties. And therefore, even though my husbands' would have heralded our first "date" in over 5 months, I was not at all disappointed we missed it due to bad weather. Your description summed up what we missed. Thank you so much. Thank you snow....

    By Blogger Cathy, at 7:58 PM  

  • Ah, welcome to the midwest! I'm glad to know that the podunk town where I live isn't the only place where martinis are served in tacky plastic cups. That's always been unnerving to me.

    Columbus is two hours straight east of where I live, so I guess that shouldn't surprise me. My best friend just moved back home from there and to be honest, I thought it was classier than that.

    I'm loving the fact you followed through with that dare...May have to try something similar soon.

    By Blogger ***Double_Oh_No***, at 9:35 PM  

  • This..."but began to spank my ass!" sent me over the top!

    By Blogger Lee Ann, at 9:46 PM  

  • Good job on the bet! That was hillarious!

    By Blogger Anonymous Shannon, at 10:44 PM  

  • It actually sounded like you had a really great time. That last bar sounds like a blast!

    By Blogger Lindsey, at 11:16 PM  

  • i'm competing with the eyeball, so i'm doing this here now, i like it. it is really me.

    By Blogger Badoozie, at 2:13 AM  

  • Men spanking each other.... hmmm..

    By Blogger missy, at 5:14 AM  

  • I still can't get over the martini in a plastic cup.

    I mean, why the bartender thought it appropriate to ask how you wanted it when he was serving it in a plastic cup is beyond me.

    And although the dare was undermined by you telling the chick it was a dare, obviously she liked it... ;-)

    By Blogger ziggystardust73, at 5:47 AM  

  • A dirty martini mixes olive juice with the vodka. I’m not sure what Up or Down means, but ‘on the rocks’ is the traditional ‘with ice’ term. I didn’t know anyone drank martinis on the rocks. I thought they were served in martini glasses with an olive. But what do I know? I drink beer.

    I’m going to my Christmas party this Thursday, if I’m not working. I’m half-hoping to work and half-wanting to go. I’m betting it will be pretty dull overall, and the main reason I want to go is to meet the person who replaced me after my contract ran out.

    As for Mr. Ass Spank… you should have slugged him. There is absolutely no excuse, nor not enough alcohol in the world to excuse that.

    I was tempted by that dare… I can’t resist really bad, and cheesy pick-up lines. But the only place I’ve been drinking lately I want to go back to, and I don’t want that rep with the very hot waitresses there. So I bailed. Kudos for you for going through with it, even if you hedged your bets by doing it in a different town.

    What happened after the girl came back from the washroom, angel? That’s what’s missing from the story.

    By Blogger blackcrag, at 9:08 AM  

  • I love the prank Angel! You have quite the balls to go through with it.

    Office Parties... yay. I have one on Thursday. Luckily, no drunk coworkers. At least, hopefully no drunk coworkers. It's during office hours.

    By Blogger Luke, at 11:35 AM  

  • Even i knew that about the martinis!

    By Blogger SkyeBlue2U, at 12:35 PM  

  • Those were two funny stories, man.

    By Blogger Chairborne Stranger, at 5:06 PM  

  • Did she ever come back?

    By Blogger Chick, at 5:43 PM  

  • great post! i love the dare. that was great!
    hey, remember back in the day when you used to acknowledge us, your readers, by commenting on our comments? ahhhh, those were the good ole days.
    good times, good times.

    By Blogger cher, at 6:15 PM  

  • Our office party was last week. Apparently I got drunk, because I don't remember any of it. Jack and Coke will do that.

    But, I did win $150.00 in cash during a dance off. I wiped the floor with my fellow coworkers.


    By Blogger Max, at 6:22 PM  

  • The drive on the Ohio river near the Wva, Ohio, Kentucky border is one of my favorites.

    By Blogger coloradohurricane, at 12:03 AM  

  • Angel! you did that! But she was cool about it wasn't she? I wouldn't have let her go if i were you.

    By Blogger Chloe, at 4:07 AM  

  • Angel, you need to come over to my Castle today! ;)

    By Blogger Lee Ann, at 8:49 AM  

  • "It doesn't suck itself". That is great stuff. It's funny because it's true. It does not, in fact, suck itself. Thank goodness for willing participants in that regard. Good on ya mate!

    By Blogger the duck, at 6:17 PM  

  • I love reading your posts! They are just to funny!! I can't believe that guy actually smacked your ass.....That was one hell of a Christmas party!!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:51 AM  

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