I Double Dare You

Last weekend, I drove up to Columbus, Ohio for my cousin's company party. It's a beautiful drive between Ohio and West Virginia. Well, for the most part it's beautiful, until you get to Ohio and all you see in cornfield or just field.

My cousin works for some sort of computer company that does land and business surveying. They do the layouts for department stores and restaurants and blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH! She lost me after she said computer. In fact, I was lost most of the night when various people told me what they did and what their "contribution" for 2005 had been. I did learn that they reached their "high five for 2005" goals, and the company president was well pleased with his employees. He said between 1998 and 2005 they had gone from being a company of 70 employees to 500. And they went from having one branch to three. He said the employees should be highly commended. I begged to differ with his show of gratitude. First of all, open bar? Not--they were was a two drink limit and then you had to pay. Secondly, what was he feeding them? My cup-o-soup cooking abilities outshines whatever was being served in those bins. Thirdly, as a reward for working there for at least 10 years, employees were rewarded with a pen.

Back to the open bar--I ordered a martini and they served it to me in a small plastic cup (a punch bowl cup replica). Nothing dignified in sipping a martini from a plastic cup. Not that I was trying to be dignified. I already felt like a bafoon from my lack of martini knowledge. When I told the bartender I wanted a martini--shaken not stirred of course, he replied "how do you want it?". I was taken aback and said, "Shaken not stirred". He then said, "Dirty, Up, Down, on the rocks?". I told him to suprise me. WTF? I thought I was an afficianado when it came to martinis.

What is it about company parties that bring out the unthinkable in many of it's employees. For instance, everyone dancing to the Electric Slide? And how has that dance not died out yet? What I noticed was the dance floor being crowded during these line-dances like YMCA or Macarena, but being completely empty during other songs. I came to the conclusion that people of this caliber can't dance unless, like their floppy discs, it's formatted.

To top off the drunken dancing, when we all went out to celebrate the end of the mundane company party, the employees further showed their unthinkable sides. We went to a bar that was playing retro-music (Bon Jovi, extremely early material girl Madonna, Dexy's Midnight Runner) so everyone was having fun dancing. One of the employees, who was trying to pick up my cousin, started danicing with her and I. In his drunken lack of rhythm dancing, he started to spank himself to the music. In an effort to keep from laughing, I turned around. He mistook this for I DON'T KNOW WHAT, but began to spank my ass! Too mortified for words, I excused myself to get a drink.

One of the tasks I completed this weekend was a dare from Eers. She dared us, to walk up to someone, stare at our manparts then look a random chick in the eye and say, "It doesn't suck itself". This task was suppose to be completed last week, but since I hung out with my parents last week couldn't go thru with it. This time however, in a town where I didn't know anyone, no one knew me, it would be perfect. After the company party, I headed out with my cousin and her co-workers to downtown bar. After two shots, I walked up to a girl, a completed the task. Her quick witted response? "No, it doesn't suck itself! It needs the whole package"--said while waving her hand over my whole being. Ouch! Touche! I may have ruined the dare by saying to her that it was a dare, and that I'm not ordinarily like that. She smiled, became pensive, looked into my eyes and said, "I believe you. I don't know why I do, but I do". And then she smiled again before excusing herself to go to the bathroom.

How was your weekend?