Shaken Not Stirred

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Look Ma No Hands

While reviewing some psychiatry yesterday, I found what I thought to be some descrepancies. You can correct me if I'm wrong or else add your own observations, thoughts and experiences.

According to the author of my review book, masturbation is a normal activity from infancy to old age. Nothing wrong with this statement. The author gave several reasons for masturbation, among them: it feels good, a person may be tired (WTF?), bored (okay, I'll give the author that), lonely (a definite reason), as a sleep aid (another WTF?) and to relieve stress. I think the author also forgot to mention pictures of Jessica Simpson in daisy dukes with those red boots peddling pizza, the twinkle in Mandy Moore's eyes, Jennifer Love Hewitt's cleavage and Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman. You many add any other visual effects you want. As per Mr Shife--no montages involving Barry Manilow.

Now here's the kicker. For frequency, it was quoted that adolescents partook of this activity approximately 3 to four times weekly, a number I felt was grossly underestimated. For adults it was stated they did this 1 to 2 times weekly. And finally for married people, only once a month. Someone lied on some surveys--fess up people! Or else those who answered the survey had no hands by which to touch themselves!!!

The next statement said that masturbation was equally common between men and women. HA! I knew chicks touched themselves as much as we did, they just hid it better. I know this because one of my really, really good friends and I had this conversation concerning "warm weather" and sweaty nights. She told me that she felt like really going at it during the song "Body is a Wonderland" by John Mayer--she said she really felt like finding those wonders during a bubblebath while John crooned in the background. This five minute ice breaker turned into a four hour conversation--about the places that we've done this and the people we've fantasized about.

The review book went on to explain that masturbation was only abnormal if it interefered with normal sexual functioning--which I found a contradiction. I thought it was part of normal sexual functioning. It also said it was abnormal if it interefered with one's occupation. It could only interfere with one's occupation if this sort of scenario could ensue: "Is that mayonnaise good or bad?".
Another factoid that was stated was this behavior if excessive or done to reduce tension could lead to premature ejaculation. How can there be something to ejaculate if it's already on a bathroom wall? I would think it would help a guy out to unload the first few ounces.

Anyway, these are some of the thoughts that peruse my vast wasteland of knowledge while I study. If I could only tell you the things that pop into my head while reviewing anatomy.
P.S. Happy Valentines Day


  • Married people once a month?? Who the hell did this survey? The Pope? The longer I am married, the more I partake of this particular activity.

    By Blogger Mike, at 3:28 PM  

  • I know someone who dated Mandy Moore, and when I met her, that twinkle wasnt only exists in pictures. I hate her...lets never speak of her again.

    By Blogger Princess Pessimism, at 3:33 PM  

  • I guess I must be abnormal then because during my peak masterbation years I was hitting that at least 3 to 4 times a day.

    By Blogger mrshife, at 4:16 PM  

  • I'm with Shife.

    When you first move into the dorm, and the T1 gives you bandwidth from the gods, and you download more porn than you could peruse in a lifetime... 1 to 2 times a week? Come on.

    By Blogger Vince, at 4:29 PM  

  • err...

    ok, Happy V day!

    (will think of a better comment when my head's not in the gutter)

    By Blogger missy, at 4:47 PM  

  • That is by far the best and most apropriate V-Day post I have read.Those numbers are highly understated. 1-2 times a week? Maybe if you're one of those people who works 80 hour weeks, but otherwise?

    And you've never heard of it as a sleep aide? Works better than Tylenol PM if you ask me.

    By Blogger White Dade, at 5:03 PM  

  • The things that go through people's head on Valentine's Day !!!
    Take care, keep those hands where we can see them .... Meow

    By Blogger Meow, at 5:36 PM  

  • Men DEFINETLY do it more often than that survey lets on. I know guys that still do it daily if not several times a week.

    By Blogger Lindsey, at 6:28 PM  

  • I masturbate to a picture of Princess pessimism alone 2 to 3 times a week, so it must be more than that.

    By Blogger slopmaster, at 6:55 PM  

  • Those numbers are way too conservative! And yes I am speaking from experience.

    By Blogger Walter, at 7:07 PM  

  • I don't think I'm old enought o be reading this. LMAO

    By Blogger Ruben, at 7:15 PM  

  • I agree that adolecents jerk off more than that. When I was a teenager I jerked off in the shower so much that I came in my pants every time it rained.

    By Blogger :P fuzzbox, at 9:21 PM  

  • I must be the superman of tug-a-war because I pull it all the time.

    By Blogger Big D, at 9:22 PM  

  • Happy Valentines Day

    By Blogger sabatkes, at 11:15 PM  

  • Don't forget my favs- Mary Kate & Ashley

    By Blogger coloradohurricane, at 11:38 PM  

  • Excuse me while I go rub one out...

    By Blogger LBseahag, at 11:47 PM  

  • Great post!!! A topic that only brave people talk about! Happy Valentine's Day!

    By Anonymous Babette, at 12:18 AM  

  • haahaha. what book are you reading? happy v-day

    By Blogger joey♥, at 1:22 AM  

  • I guess that means I should not get married and my mind also wanders onto topics like this when I am studying

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:55 AM  

  • Crap...I'm going to actually be serious about this post and put on my science hat.

    Masterbation interferring with normal sexual function concerns those that masterbate instead of engaging with another person in sexual intimacy. In other words, some people are afraid of being intimate with another person for some reason (psychological/emotional causes) that they instead do unto themselves.

    The premature ejaculation thing deals with those going solo too much or for the sake of reducing tension actually train themselves to ejaculate sooner. Scientists have linked certain muscles twitching in "certain" places with premature ejaculation. Masterbating in 3 min. or under sort of trains these muscles to do that.

    OK...I'm done. (Not literally)

    By Blogger The Phoenix, at 9:55 AM  

  • stop reading that book! lol..hope u had happy v day with no masturbation involved..:)

    By Blogger vani, at 10:12 AM  

  • wow.. just reading your post makes me want to hit the ladies' room...
    happy v-day !!! (what does "v" stand for ??)

    By Blogger madame P, at 11:09 AM  

  • I don't think that women do it as much as men, just for the fact that most women don't need sex as much as men or want it as much, but I don't see anything wrong with it as long as it is not in excess. As for John Mayer, I don't understand why women think that he is so awsome, I have never gotten off to him. I think that his voice is annoying and that he is a bad singer, but then again, That's my opinion so if someone likes him, I don't see anything wrong with it.

    By Blogger Drywall Mom, at 11:47 AM  

  • Um, I really don't have anything to say on THAT subject...Happy Belated V Day!

    By Blogger the_mrs, at 12:43 PM  

  • i'm havin' an anal-retentive day on anything that makes my brain waves werk, that's why i need HELP!

    ...hope your VD day was fun!

    By Blogger Karen, at 12:46 PM  

  • The last time I masturbated was November 2, 2005. The day I started sleeping with my girlfriend. We're still in the "multiple times per day" phase of our relationship, so I haven't needed to for a while.

    By Blogger Dirk the Feeble, at 12:50 PM  

  • Hmm. Well that was useless, wasn't it?

    By Blogger Jay, at 1:15 PM  

  • When it comes to masterbation there's only two kinds of liars. The ones that say they have quit, and ones who say they never have.

    By Blogger Ranea, at 2:00 PM  

  • Okay, I just want to add one thing. Can we all please get this straight....this word is spelled with a freaking "u!" MastUrbate. A pet peeve of mine. This sainted act deserves the respect of correct spelling.

    By Blogger White Dade, at 4:44 PM  

  • god, i gotta have my two cents!

    you know it reeeaaally depends on the person. rememebr too that a certain type of ppl blog, so you can't take this as a balanced portion of the population, or whatver.

    i wouldnt say women need sex less than guys tho ;) well not all of em enyways

    By Blogger Leila, at 6:03 PM  

  • Maybe you'll finally agree with me that all statistics are false.

    Truth is a lie. Pie is cake. Gold is silver.

    Dive! Dive! Dive!

    By Blogger Gyrobo, at 9:37 PM  

  • Good to know you're being taught useful information in med school....

    By Blogger Cathy, at 10:06 PM  

  • just let me tell you it has never interferred with my marriage, my job, my car rides, my lazy days, my blogging etc etc. your right i think some people lied on that survey!!

    By Blogger Just Help Me, at 12:07 AM  

  • so i've been busy and finally check out what i've been missing and i almost missed out on a masterbation chat? good thing i stopped by.

    But i've got to say, I've totally done it just to get tired enough to fall asleep if my brain won't shut off.

    By Blogger cher, at 1:23 AM  

  • geez angel jr! I step out or a couple weeks and look what I step back into ( I was going to say come back to, but now everything seems naughty!!)

    I agree, girls are not far behind boys. And both are A LOT more than those stats!!

    By Blogger Ang, at 3:09 AM  

  • Few ounces. I forgot you guys still work in imperial measurements.

    In metric it's 10 cubic centimetres all over the bathroom wall.

    By Blogger Ben Heller, at 3:59 AM  

  • Definitely it is a sleep aid.
    I know if I can't sleep, I turn to it . .. and sometimes, it knocks me right out. :)

    This is a great post, love.

    By Blogger meghansdiscontent, at 8:08 AM  

  • This is a subject for blogging? I think men partake much more than women.

    By Blogger Lucy Stern, at 9:28 AM  

  • oh boy..

    i aint touching this one;)

    By Blogger Bossy♥'s YOU, at 1:06 PM  

  • I know a guy who has this as a actual occupation. NO I am not kidding, he stays home all day and devotes his time to sports and smacking!! Good grief!

    By Blogger Cari, at 3:49 PM  

  • gut-splittingly funny stuff guys.
    Angel, I linked over from blunts hope you don't find me as "scary" as Lozo...
    Karl Marx wrote;
    "Philosophy is to the real world what masturbation is to sex."
    But I understand that Trotsky enjoyed a good jerk...

    By Blogger durrati, at 6:26 PM  

  • I don't spank it that often anymore. Only when my chick is in class and I have the house to myself.

    By Blogger Big Ben, at 10:28 PM  

  • You questioned tired as a source of masterbation. YES!

    Any time a mans body change physiology or goes from sleeping to waking, being hungry to satiated, or fleeing (adrenaline) to resting. The penis gets hard.

    This is why guys get morning wood.

    By Blogger Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle, at 11:14 PM  

  • how stupid i am!! all this time i was getting you confused with etchen! that's why i asked you about the photos.

    By Blogger Kyle Foley, at 3:58 PM  

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