Shaken Not Stirred

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Sorry To Dump This On You

The other day I was in a restaurant--let me paint the picture---on my way to the restaurant the urge to urinate hit me. The bumps and potholes of some of the West Virginia roads did not help me to suppress the urge for very long. Needless to say, when I got to the restaurant, I plowed right by the maitre d' and to the bathroom. Thank God I eat there frequently enough to knock some of the waiters over on my way to the urinal.
I pushed open the door, unzipped and felt instant relief and the yellow liquid spilled forth. And then sighing, I took in my first real breath. The stench in their was horrendous. I could hear a toilet in one of the stalls finish it's swirl. Damn, what died in some man's colon? And furthermore, why didn't he spray the Febreeze deodorizer sitting on the sink. He may have, nothing could have drowned out that stench.
My problem? Receiving the blame for the wretched odor--I could hear some restaurant patrons outside the door ("Honey, I'll pay as soon as I finish up in here"...the door opens and a well dressed man walks in). He instantly sucks in his last breath and proceeds to the wall urinal. I know what he is thinking and I can't think of a way to let him know I didn't do it.
What is the proper bathroom etiquette to let someone know you didn't create the mess?


  • SPRAY the FEBREEZE! :)and say, phew! some people are so foul!, the other "guy" who was in here was so inconsiderate..

    By Blogger Cari, at 8:49 AM  

  • yeah just say "man that was not me" and spray the febreeze.

    By Blogger Just Help Me, at 10:20 AM  

  • pull your hands up, and shake your head...

    "not me.. not i !!!"

    By Blogger madame P, at 10:33 AM  

  • The beauty of the men's room: it doesn't really matter who left the gift. The important thing is that it is shared by all.

    As far as etiquette in the men's room, here are the rules.

    1) You can only talk to each other if you are both:

    a) waiting together (usually only occurs at a sporting event or bar, where lines actually occur),

    b)at the urinal at the same time, facing the wall (you must face the wall, and the wall only), or

    c) at the sinks together.

    2) You may never speak, nor be spoken to, whilst on the crapper.

    Simple enough.

    By Blogger Vince, at 11:46 AM  

  • Really, what do you care? He's some stranger, a guy you don't know, have never spoken to, and will likely never see again. So what's the problem?

    Anything you say will make it look like you are blaming someone else for your stink. So don't say anything and let him draw his own conclusions. Besides, you are standing up, so that should be his first clue. You were sanding up, weren't you?

    By Blogger blackcrag, at 11:55 AM  

  • I'm so glad to be a woman!

    By Anonymous Babette, at 11:56 AM  

  • If you were at a urinal,than it should be obvious you didn't do it.

    There is a postive side to being a woman and a negative.

    Negative: Weither we did it or not, people assume if you are the only one in the stall, you did it. No urinal for women.

    Postive: Hide out in the stall, till every one leaves, than make your escape!

    By Blogger Laura:), at 12:04 PM  

  • Just give him the "yeah, I know" look. No words necessary.

    By Blogger Jay, at 2:37 PM  

  • I thought guys liked taking credit for stuff like that? Don't you all rate the smell and sound of your farts? :)

    By Blogger the_mrs, at 3:40 PM  

  • I had this same expirence sunday..

    i had to pee badly and I was at Target, I walked in and the bathroom smelled foul, like maybe someone colostomy had popped..

    anyhoo, I peed and scrurried out, as I was headed to the door some teenage girls went in, they smelled and looked me funny..

    i said, it wasnt me girls:)

    By Blogger Bossy♥'s YOU, at 3:53 PM  

  • You could say casually...
    "Poor Bugger, I don't think the
    food here agreed with him..."

    By Blogger Maddy, at 3:53 PM  

  • I would have to agree. Just don't say anything. However, if it was you, look the guy square in the eyes, give him a closed mouth grin, and walk out the door. Just make sure you will never, ever see him again.

    By Blogger White Dade, at 4:17 PM  

  • lol...i would cough ever so slightly and scuttle out like i was offended. hopefully he would get the picture.
    but then again i'm not a guy...

    By Blogger Leila, at 5:04 PM  

  • So funny....I would simply say "wasn't me...." and grin.

    I once had a guy get on an elevator with me and fart and then got off and another person came on the next floor and gave me the dirtiest look, like I had done it....this obviously stuck with me because this was about 10 years ago now!...

    By Blogger Cathy, at 5:47 PM  

  • I think you should just let him smell your fingers. That should convince him.

    By Blogger mrshife, at 5:49 PM  

  • Just say something like..."I know, that's pretty bad, the poor guy, he must have eaten something bad"!

    By Blogger Lee Ann, at 6:12 PM  

  • This is how I see it, let him think you did it and laugh about it. He doesn't know you anyways. If he thinks you did it standing at the urinal then he's really stupid in the first place. :)

    By Blogger Drywall Mom, at 7:02 PM  

  • That's happened to me (obviously not in a men's room, though !!) I walked out of the stall, looked at the person washing her hands (or whatever), screwed up my nose and said "that's disgusting, it wasn't me". Don't know whether she believed me, but ... it wasn't me !!!

    By Blogger Meow, at 7:34 PM  

  • Just go with the flow. Walk out with an evil laugh. They are going to blame you anyway so you might as well have fun with it.

    By Blogger :P fuzzbox, at 8:08 PM  

  • Or, you could let a fart of your own rip, and say, "Now THAT's me!"

    By Blogger kimber the wolfgrrrl, at 8:39 PM  

  • Rule #1 broken right here:

    Say, "I think I just lost 3 pounds" as you rub your belly.

    By Blogger Vent, at 8:46 PM  

  • Oh I know...I worry about the same thing in those situations. It's like you want to go over to the nearest person and point out that it wasn't you.

    By Blogger Lindsey, at 10:29 PM  

  • i had a dream you got a new lap top and i got your old one. i can not tell you how happy i was!

    By Blogger cher, at 11:09 PM  

  • I had almost the same problem in a lift - the dude who was in the lift released a stink bomb and left on one floor and someone else got in on the next floor and gave me disgusted looks all the way

    I was far too busy trying to hold my breath !

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:00 AM  

  • you must go to some swanky places for them to have Febreeze sitting there...

    whoever smelt it dealt it...i would've pointed and laughed at you! :P

    By Blogger LBseahag, at 12:03 AM  

  • let them think what they want. it's funny that way. god i hate public restrooms, haha.

    By Blogger joey♥, at 1:26 AM  

  • Is there bathroom etiquite ?

    By Blogger coloradohurricane, at 2:24 AM  

  • ewwwww...yellow

    By Blogger vani, at 10:25 AM  

  • I would quickly knock on a cubicle door,and then

    I would just shout...

    "Bob, make sure you clean the seat and make sure the flush handle's clean this time"

    By Blogger Ben Heller, at 12:49 PM  

  • I say don't worry about it. It's nature, and folks can deal. If someone has to go, they have to go, and no force could stop it ... if people can't handle that, and you're worried about them thinking "badly" of you for possibly doing it, they have their priorities all wrong when it comes to things to get upset about in this world!

    -- david

    By Blogger David Amulet, at 3:16 PM  

  • I don't know what to say... but I can't go to a bathroom if it's really, really smelly...

    By Blogger missy, at 5:07 PM  

  • Take the defensive and say what are you looking at?

    By Blogger Ranea, at 5:57 PM  

  • blech!
    i think you look clean and nice and you don't need to explain these things.

    By Blogger Chloe, at 6:38 PM  

  • but, wait, you were at the urinal, right? he thought you farted something that rancid out?

    you could always just say something sarcastic like "pleasant, isn't it?" or "I know, I know..." while shaking your head in disgust.

    By Blogger Anhoni Patel, at 6:42 PM  

  • OK! this post was hilarious and I can relate to you. I have been blammed for the toilet sins of other men. LOL

    By Blogger Ruben, at 6:51 PM  

  • If it reaaly stinks, claim it. I man with a stinky shit is a real man.

    By Blogger Big Ben, at 7:40 PM  

  • I hate when that happens!

    By Blogger DayByDay4-2Day, at 7:47 PM  

  • I recommend taking credit, and when you step out the door tell anyone nearby, You may not want to go in there for the next 35, 45 minutes.

    By Blogger Walter, at 1:08 AM  

  • nono, I would rather smell pure dump than the mix of poupurri and dump. gross. This was an explicit post.

    By Blogger slopmaster, at 5:19 AM  

  • hahahahahahaha toilet humour is so amusing

    By Blogger ziggystardust73, at 5:19 AM  

  • Screw it all...just get out & save yourself!

    By Blogger Chick, at 7:30 AM  

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