Shaken Not Stirred

Sunday, August 05, 2007

I Don't Want To Be That Guy

One of my really good friends sent me photos from his recent vacation. He went to Hilton Head with a new girlfriend. I have yet to meet his new girlfriend. Some of my friends have met her and when I ask about her, some say they don't like her, others say you have to meet her for yourself. No one has commented on her looks yet (he doesn't know about this blog, or at least he hasn't said he knows, otherwise I would not be writing this post). And no one has used another adjective other than "nice" when describing her. In fact of all his girlfriends, she's the least talked about. Whenever he starts going out with someone, I usually hear "you've got to meet his new girlfriend" or "what till you see his new WOMAN (spelled in capitals because this word is usually emphasized)".

So when I got the photos, I was taken aback...while his girlfriend isn't most unfortunate (a term Reese used in one of her movies to describe her rival in a love triangle), she isn't someone I would have thought my buddy would date. I don't have a man crush, but I do know that my buddy is above average good looking. I've seen girls give him the thrice over. I'm not superficial. I make an effort to never really judge (although I catch myself judging all the time--I seriously need help.) I certainly understand that I can't be superficial. I'm no day at the beach, I'm no day even in a parking lot. I don't recall ever being given the once over.

I hate that my first thought was "What?", when I looked at his vacation pictures. But it was the first thought that popped into my head. What is wrong with me? For all I know, this could be the love of his life, the girl that he'll marry. While some of my other friends say "it won't last", the smile I saw in the pictures was "I'm happy". And he took her on vacation already!!! This is something that he usually reserves for someone he's been dating awhile and he's usually reluctant about that sort of "commitment".

I need to bash my head against a table a few times. I can't believe I had these thoughts. I really despise that the thought came to mind, but it did. If he's happy, that is all that should matter. And if he asks, I'm going to tell him that I'm happy for him.

posted by JM at 5:32 PM

26 Comments:

  • Ahh I know how that goes. Sometimes, you just have an idea of the 'type' of person you expect yourself (and your friends!) to end up with. It's always a shock to the system when someone goes against what (or who) you predict for them or yourself. Sounds like you have the right attitude about it though. Hopefully this is the perfect girl for your friend!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:24 PM  

  • A day in the parking lot? Now that's a phunny phrase. I will start using that one.

    By Blogger :P fuzzbox, at 10:00 PM  

  • this happens to all of us. we're all judgemental even when we try hard not to be. it's just human nature. and you based your opinion on one pic. that doesn't mean anything. shit, if people judged me from my pics then i'd be in deep trouble. lol.

    it's fine. don't stress yourself out over something we all do.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:15 PM  

  • I have definately had similar thoughts in my day. We are all only human, but glad that you are aware of not being happy about it.

    Cheers,

    Scott

    By Blogger Scott, at 12:56 AM  

  • One of my best friends married the biggest dilweed I have ever met, but nobody could say anything to her. So I know this goes.

    You should meet her first and see how she is personality wise.

    By Blogger Phats, at 1:14 AM  

  • I think you should go to confession and have the priest absolve you of these terrible sins you have committed. Or something.

    Hell, I can't remember how it works. I haven't been there in decades.

    By Blogger Dan, at 8:03 AM  

  • At least you are aware of it. Think of all the people who make these kind of snap judgements, and think nothing of it.

    By Blogger The Maiden Metallurgist, at 11:00 AM  

  • You're not alone in that. The way a person looks is usually what you look at first. I'm sure that once you get to know your friends girlfriend you won't question why he's with her.

    By Blogger Airam, at 1:51 PM  

  • I think we all know that a guy who's like your buddy. Still I would reserve final judgement and bestowed blessings till you actually meet her.

    By Blogger Wiwille, at 2:03 PM  

  • Good looking guys typically go after the eye-candy, since it's so available. Maybe your friend is maturing...God forbid!

    By Blogger Jay Noel, at 7:26 PM  

  • I agree with the folks here, at least you are aware of it... but we do make judgments all the time. I'm so judgmental really and it makes me feel guilty all the time. It's that Catholic guilt I tell ya. I think it's partly because I was raised by conservative people? Maybe I am just making excuses here...

    On a different note, my friend in SF just bought a 15" macbook pro for less than $2500 and it includes a 30GB ipod and printer. On student discount, it's $200 off the laptop, $50 off applecare, $30 off .mac, $50 off microsoft office. Personally, I don't think .mac account is worth having. I've had it for 3 years and didn't really use what it had to offer. Let me know if you want more details ;-)

    Oh cool, your word verification says: wones

    I like that.

    By Blogger missy, at 5:44 AM  

  • Maybe she's a succubus. Nah, she's probably just a really wonderful lady.
    Oh wait, all women are succubi (plural for succubus?).
    Have fun in the parking lot. I'll be there too.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:41 AM  

  • Meet her...looks can be deceiving (I've found snappy, bitchy judgements to be your loss...not the other person's)...you may find out why he likes her so much.

    By Blogger Chick, at 8:57 AM  

  • I too hate how someone's exterior is given entirely too much importance in our culture, and I often find myself playing right along. I imagine that all of us who struggle with this internal judgment of outward appearance probably miss out on romantic opportunities with tons of people b/c we expect to be with someone who is a certain level of attractiveness, etc.

    I've often heard guys call it "leagues" and give their buddies a hard time for dating a girl who isn't "in his league," i.e. isn't cute enough. And I've even had a family member tell me that the guy I was dating "wasn't as a good looking man as I am a woman." Why should that even matter?

    Anyway, great post. This is something I definitely struggle with and with which I could use God's help.

    By Blogger Ally, at 9:06 AM  

  • So... what you're really trying to say is, she isn't attractive?

    By Blogger Aaron, at 9:46 AM  

  • My favorite is to sit quietly at a weeding and listen to the catty whispers.

    They'll never last.
    I'll bet she's pregnant.
    Look at that dress.
    The nerve of her, wearing white?

    By Blogger Travis Erwin, at 12:57 PM  

  • I've dated someone who wasn't in my league, or whatever you wanna call it...I got a lot of weird reactions from people. Even I felt strange at times that this person wasn't tall, dark and handsome. Rather average and slightly bald. In the beginning, it was sweet and rosy. Then it went down the drain b/c we were different eggs. Looks play a role, but there are other factors for chemistry. Anyway, I understand your reaction. But give it time for your buddy. Only he can decide what's right for him.

    By Blogger The Egg, at 1:53 PM  

  • I have been dealing with this kind of issue with my little brother for the last 4 years. He finally dumped the girl he was dating that was nice. She was also very healthy if you know what I mean.

    By Blogger Mr. Shife, at 8:06 PM  

  • i deal with this practically everyday. plus, sometimes i think nobody is good enough for my friends.

    By Blogger cher, at 10:54 PM  

  • plus, she must be really good in bed, so maybe just be thankful its not you and when you meet her give her a great big hug. you know? really wrap your arms around all of her. i mean around her.

    By Blogger cher, at 10:55 PM  

  • Looks are temporary. Date personality.

    I date for boobs.

    By Blogger Big Ben, at 11:10 AM  

  • It's the one that breaks the pattern that will last the longest, I've found.

    It could be your friend has matured, changes what he looks for in a woman, and found something his past girlfriends lacked. Or it could be nothing of the sort. He's your buddy, this is the first time I've ever heard of him.

    As for the judging thing, I've noticed I do it too. But I've told myself not to be limited to that first judgement. Every interaction with a person should refine your judgement, either to supoort it or refute it or shape it further in some way, just like more medical facts coming to light would refine your medical diagnosis.

    By Blogger blackcrag, at 3:16 AM  

  • This comment has been removed by the author.

    By Blogger Lee Ann, at 5:45 PM  

  • I think it is good that you are so aware of your feelings. That is quite different from those that do or say or think mean things without giving it thought.
    I think you are a good friend and want what is best for your friend. It is obvious by the last sentence... "And if he asks, I'm going to tell him that I'm happy for him."
    I think you are an angel!

    By Blogger Lee Ann, at 5:46 PM  

  • In my experience (speaking as a woman) the better looking a girl is the not so nice she is on the inside.

    My hubby has always said he prefers "plain Janes" ( So I guess I am one) because they treat their man better then the stunners, or so he says.

    Another thing is she may not be very photogenic ;)

    In the end if he is happy then thats all that matters. :)

    By Blogger Pixie, at 9:58 PM  

  • In our culture, it was a perfectly natural thought.

    By Blogger Rocketstar, at 1:21 PM  

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