Shaken Not Stirred

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Meet Me At The Flagpole

A few years ago, I lost one of my best friends. I may have done something to instigate it and could have done something to prevent it from happening. To this day, I wonder how he is doing.

My buddy started dating a pretty snobby girl. She was pretty popular on campus, many people knew who she was and liked her. I didn't have any problems with her and in fact got along with her also. I knew she was pretty overbearing with my buddy, but what girlfriend didn't tell their boyfriends when to eat, what to eat and how to eat it? Just a part of making sure the boat didn't rock, isn't it?

One day, I took a joke too far. I can't remember exactly what the joke was, how it started and what I said. All I remember was she got pretty ticked at me. She ended up yelling and I'm sure crying. I tried to apologize but she told me to "go to hell". Her friends told me to let her cool down and everything would be alright in an hour.

A couple hours later I was walking across campus when I saw my buddy and his girlfriend walking my way. They looked like they were arguing. She was yelling and he was cowering. When they got to where I was, my buddy started yelling at me. He told me that I was way out of line and to apologize. I apologized again and offered a hug, which was refused and then a handshake, which was smacked. She started yelling at my buddy again to "do something"!!!

He then, in an old west fashion put up his dukes. He put up his dukes! By this time her shrill voice and his superhero stance had attracted some attention. He never swung, just stood there. I think he was waiting for my move. I was too shocked to move, so I didn't. My buddy eventually put down his dukes and sat on the ground. His girlfriend called him a shit and walked away. Another buddy (who had witnessed the argument from the teasing of the girl to the dukes), took me by the arm and said something about leaving the pathetic asshole alone.

My buddy eventually apologized. I sort of accepted, but saw him in a different light. Slowly, he stopped coming to our parties and even outings. And then a year later he asked my roommate if he could use our apartment to talk to everyone. He and his girlfriend had broken up and he needed to vent.

When he came to my apartment and everyone had a beer in hand, he started to talk. He apologized for his past behavior (shunning us, forgetting birthdays, never-ever coming around)and said something about being glad to have friends. No one said anything. Most of our friends were uncomfortable by his tears and either watched ESPN or played with the chips/dip. When his sobbing became unbearable, he left the room. No one followed him. Someone uttered WTF? Someone else suggested I go and get him since I was his friend to begin with. I stayed in my seat and played with the foam in my beer.

My buddy again slowly removed himself from our group. No one asked him to come out with us, unless they had bumped into him on campus. The others asked me how he was doing and I would shrug my shoulders. To this day, I do wonder how he's doing. He was one of the people I was duped into joining to find. That's a whole different post--the fiasco.


  • It is bad when friends show bad judgement over a relationship and then try to gloss things over when they get dumped. Crying in their beer is the worst. If he had really meant it he would have kept trying to fit into the group, rather than throwing one bawling fit and then hauling.

    By Blogger :P fuzzbox, at 11:29 AM  

  • I know this is the broken record in
    me - but perhaps you could find
    him and get together for a beer.

    We ALL have those scenario's in
    our life - it's liberating to
    re-connect - even briefly.

    By Blogger Maddy, at 11:31 AM  

  • Beware of women like this-They are the MAIN reason why men die early deaths.

    By Blogger twolf1920, at 11:34 AM  

  • And also the reason why sterotypes and sexism are still alive and well in America. If women would like to break out of this they need to do THEIR part.

    By Blogger twolf1920, at 11:36 AM  

  • I say that you'll reconnect one day. You never know! It's a small world.

    By Anonymous Babette, at 12:19 PM  

  • That's sucks. I have had friends that have done that to me in the past and the way I see it, is that if they did that to me then they didn't think much of me as a freind in the first place. You can't blame yourself for his insecurities and his problems with this exgirlfriend. All you can do if he doesn't want you around is leave and that's what you did. How are you suppose to react to someone when you haven't seen them in a while and before that put his dukes up to you. I would wonder to what was going on in his life b/c one time, he was your friend but if you haven't heard from him then I would wait until your reunion and see if he shows up there.

    By Blogger Drywall Mom, at 12:28 PM  

  • I hate to play devil's advocate but he sounds terribly unstable. I know I would have a hard time dealing with a friend who acted in this manner. Fuzzbox is right, he should have tried harder to seek your friendship rather than just cry once and move on. I'm sure he was embarassed too, though..

    Twolf1920: Agreed. As women we need to act like women and not like overbearing mothers and/or children. I can't stand when I see women trying to control every aspect of their partner's life. It usually says to me that they have no control in their own life so they feel like they have to control everyone else's. Trying to get your boyfriend to instigate a fight, especially with some of his best friends, is asinine.

    By Blogger LostInTX, at 12:48 PM  

  • "Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver & the other is gold."

    By Blogger Karen, at 12:51 PM  

  • What a major DRAMA QUEEN! I mean it's not like you said, look bit&* I don't with were trying to make up for it. I am a firm beleiver that things do happen for a reason (eventhough it's hard to think of it like that sometimes) and maybe both of you parting ways was better for you in the long run. He should of held his ground with her no matter what.

    By Blogger Cari, at 1:39 PM  

  • First, I look forward to hearing about the fiasco!

    Secondly, sorry about losing one of your best friends. I lost my best friend for such a trivial reason that in truth I can't remember how we fought (?). Anyway, we were pseudo-reunited in Friendster (haha!) and now there's more reminder that we are really worlds apart now.

    By Blogger missy, at 1:56 PM  

  • You're better off without someone who treats you like that. To quote the wise Joan Jett, "You don't lose when you lose fake friends."

    -- david

    By Blogger David Amulet, at 2:07 PM  

  • Excellent post. I had a similar thing happen to me recently and I'm glad I was able to talk to said friend before he left for Iraq last month. It's tough, though. Maybe he really was just a little too unstable to have maintained a lifeling friendship. Of course, maybe you like to have unstable friends, keeps it interesting.

    And I do love a good Joan Jett reference.

    By Blogger White Dade, at 5:11 PM  

  • When he put up his dukes, did he try to give you a knuckle sandwich right in the kisser?

    By Blogger Dirk the Feeble, at 5:47 PM  

  • You should have gone into a crane stance when he put up his dukes.

    Seriously, it's tragic when you lose a good friend. Sometimes it's a pity, other times it's for the best.

    By Blogger The Phoenix, at 6:07 PM  

  • i'm wondering why no one felt compassion for him, when he came to apologize. do you have any clues about that? i guess you have to ask yourself, if you really liked him, and you were good enough friends, is there some reason you want to know about him? is it morbid curiosity? if there was never really a good base to the friendship, let it go.

    i can't wait to hear about

    By Blogger Badoozie, at 6:25 PM  

  • Friendships from the past are hard. You question whether you were friends because it was convenient. At least that's my experience.

    That guy sounded like he had a lot of issues...can't wait to hear your Classmates story :D

    By Blogger the_mrs, at 6:40 PM  

  • Wow, the babe sure had some power over your friend. I realized one thing long ago, when I broke up only my friends came to my rescue and I don't ignore them for any reason - not even a babe - aint worth it

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:26 PM  

  • you seem to get into a lot of shit. I would have laughed if he put up his fists, shook my head and kept on walking. I might have made one of tose whipping sounds and the motion to go with it.

    By Blogger Big Ben, at 11:25 PM  

  • I have seen friends stop being friends over a girl. It can happen over a guy too (assuming the friends are female!). It's sad, and yet we all hope that we can find that special someone. Often, what happens is that this special someone monopolizes your time in a way that causes rifts between friends. Friendship isn't a given, it's earned.

    It almost happened between me and a very good friend of mine, who is currently married to her now. She was wise enough to give my friend time to rekindle our friendship before it completely foundered.

    It's never been the same, and as depressing as it sounds, it probably never will be after something like that happens.

    By Blogger Grant, at 11:33 PM  

  • This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    By Blogger coloradohurricane, at 12:40 AM  

  • Unless you're married or engaged, always go with the friends. Girls are everywhere. Best friends are hard to find.

    By Blogger coloradohurricane, at 12:45 AM  

  • I'm sure he realized his mistake--give the guy a break people. Who hasn't gone nuts over a gal/guy? Love can do bizzare things. He's probably wondering where you are too. Forgiveness...
    Now the classmates story is great! I can't wait to read about it. Wish I saved that email!

    By Anonymous Babette, at 1:08 AM  

  • Outbursts of emotion like that in front of large groups of men is always going to create a difficult and uncomfortable situation.

    It must have been really awkward.

    By Blogger Ben Heller, at 2:30 AM  

  • WOW...that's insane. I have often felt that the same connection isnt there with my friends, but not because of anything they did, but because of just growing apart.

    By Blogger Princess Pessimism, at 10:45 AM  

  • So then find him and talk to him. He might be just waiting for someone to stop bye and say hey wuz up!

    By Blogger DayByDay4-2Day, at 2:50 PM  

  • Bro's before Ho's!! what a chump.

    By Blogger slopmaster, at 3:27 PM  

  • Sometimes it is best to move on, but if it is nagging at you then maybe you should try to reconnect. Just my two cents.

    By Blogger mrshife, at 4:48 PM  

  • what a sad sad story. Love is dangerous - or what we think is Love.

    That really is sad though. I feel sorry for him as well as you - he seems to have been under a spell.

    As for the girl...grrrrr. let me not start...

    By Blogger Leila, at 5:14 PM  

  • I went onto as well; no reconnections. I am curious about your story.

    By Blogger Cathy, at 7:00 PM  

  • you just grow out of some people. you don't want to but it happens and when it does it is not fair to them to pretend otherwise.

    By Blogger Chloe, at 8:47 PM  

  • i lost my best friend growing up because of her boyfriend too. allot of similar drama also, and to this day i wonder how she is and if she ever thinks of me. funny thing is her and her asshole boyfriend are no longer together either.

    By Blogger vani, at 11:57 PM  

  • Well, I think he was humilitated. He couldn't stand up to the girl and probably didn't have the courage to tell her to back off.

    I hope you learned a lesson about taking a joke too far. There is no telling what happened to him. I hope you are able to find him so that you can clear the air with him. Good luck.

    By Blogger Lucy Stern, at 12:30 AM  

  • Just passing through, I'm digging the blog by the way.

    By Blogger The Humanity Critic, at 4:12 PM  

  • I think most people have, at some point or another, experienced the loss of a friendship due to a significant other.

    In this case, your friend clearly valued his girlfriend over you, to the extent that he was willing to get into a physical altercation with you. If you'd really insulted his girlfriend, I could see him being justifiably angry, but if it was simply a misunderstanding over a joke gone awry -- for which you tried to make amends -- then his reaction, and hers, were over the top.

    I had a theory in high school that has held true ever since: if a friend ditches his/her friends over a significant other, you can kiss that friendship goodbye.

    It's pretty similar to a marriage in that respect: if a man or woman puts career over you even while you're dating, you can be sure that you and your kids will be second place even after marriage.

    By Blogger Tea and Books, etc, at 1:13 AM  

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