Just Call Out My Name
One of my buddies is going through some relationship problems at the moment. He has been dating this girl for almost three years and recently found out about that she went on a date with another guy. She didn't sleep with the guy, or even kiss the guy, just went out for dinner. She told him that she was having second thoughts about their relationship and was just testing the waters to see if maybe she was right.
He is so overcome with grief he can't see straight. He missed a couple days of work and I've been told doesn't answer his phone all the time, although whenever I have called, he has picked up. He told me that he loves this girl and wants to work things out, even going as far as couple counseling if they need to. She said that she is willing to work on the "wrongs" of their relationship also, because she didn't feel anything on that date, and could only keep thinking about wanting to be with him.
Some of our other friends have told him to dump her. They say she's getting her cake and eating it too. I told him to let it play out, to see what happens, to do what his gut tells him to do. I feel this kind of advice can't go wrong. To me, being a friend is allowing another person to lean on you and that's what I'm doing. My other buddies tell me to "grow some" and to tell him to leave her---not to be so passive. They say he'll only end up getting hurt.
My argument is he wants to work things out with her. If this is what he wants, then all we can do is support him. When he falls, if he falls then we can pick him up. But to try and prevent that fall, may only bring some resentment and thoughts of "what if", if we don't let him try it his way.
He asked me yesterday what would happen if he got hurt. I told him he'd always have friends to help him through it.
He is so overcome with grief he can't see straight. He missed a couple days of work and I've been told doesn't answer his phone all the time, although whenever I have called, he has picked up. He told me that he loves this girl and wants to work things out, even going as far as couple counseling if they need to. She said that she is willing to work on the "wrongs" of their relationship also, because she didn't feel anything on that date, and could only keep thinking about wanting to be with him.
Some of our other friends have told him to dump her. They say she's getting her cake and eating it too. I told him to let it play out, to see what happens, to do what his gut tells him to do. I feel this kind of advice can't go wrong. To me, being a friend is allowing another person to lean on you and that's what I'm doing. My other buddies tell me to "grow some" and to tell him to leave her---not to be so passive. They say he'll only end up getting hurt.
My argument is he wants to work things out with her. If this is what he wants, then all we can do is support him. When he falls, if he falls then we can pick him up. But to try and prevent that fall, may only bring some resentment and thoughts of "what if", if we don't let him try it his way.
He asked me yesterday what would happen if he got hurt. I told him he'd always have friends to help him through it.
posted by JM at
10:02 AM
9 Comments:
I think you might be a better friend than I.
I would totally be telling my friend to kick the girl to the curb. In fact, I've been in similar situations and that's exactly what I did. In all these situations (regardless of what my friends chose) the relationships never worked out.
Not that a date is a big deal in and of itself, but she chose to go on the date behind his back. If she wanted to see other people (even just a date), she should have been upfront about it, instead of sneaking around. Fessing up after the fact doesn't make her any less culpable.
But that's just my 2 cents...
By
Kneller, at 11:28 AM
But what about what she wants? If she really wanted it to work, she would have talked about her feelings before going out on a date with another. If she doesn't want him, he is wasting his time and prolonging his suffering.
Tough situation
By
Rocketstar, at 2:07 PM
Thanks for reminding me of how thankful I should be!
By
Aaron, at 2:47 PM
That poor guy. Whatever he decides, good on you for helping him out.
Cxx
By
Claire, at 10:32 AM
He is lucky to have you - I agree with your position on things as it isn't so easy to just cut things off and let go - maybe they can work things out and it's worth it to try - yay for you being such a great friend!
By
Anonymous, at 6:33 PM
Tough situation for sure. I'd tell him to give it time too especially when he has friends like you to help him through it if he does indeed get hurt. Although if she continues to date other men while they work it out then he needs to cut her loose
By
Phats, at 12:05 AM
As his friend all you should do is be there for him. Good for you.
But the relationship is broken. It can't be fixed. Relationships cannot be fixed. They are either perfect or they are not.
By
Anonymous, at 8:38 AM
wow. i can't believe she did that. how awful. if she had doubts about her relationship than she should have been up front and told him straight out, not date someone else to figure it out. that's a train wreck waiting to happen. i don't know that i'd be able to forgive her for that or trust her again.
By
Anonymous, at 7:49 PM
it sounds like you are a great friend. I too believe the way you do, they are going through enough pain. Why make it worse, when he is ready he will leave her. I just went through this with my x, and was lucky to have a FEW friends who stood by me like you are him. Nice to meet ya
By
just a girl..., at 1:51 PM
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