Shaken Not Stirred

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

I'm Back Not Back

I know that it's been awhile since I've written. I'm usually pretty good at writing and talking--it's an endless ride with me. I usually talk way too much, not shutting up and just letting go. However lately all I can think about is my upcoming USMLE exam. And it's driving me crazy. I can usually sleep anywhere at anytime (not like some sort of sleezebag, I mean truly sleep, with REM waves and Delta waves and all). Now, I lie awake staring at the ceiling wondering how many questions I will get in epidemilogy (something I barely know) or even medical ethics (which can be tricky--it's a whole different world in the hospital). And this is all I can think about.
It's like that song by Matchbox 20 "Unwell". I want to explain to people that right now is just not a good time. I know that when I'm stopped on the street by some friends and I talk to them, I must sound like an idiot. I've caught myself speaking quickly, almost like someone is hurrying me to keep going. And I know that I even might sound panic. When the person walks away, I know they are thinking "what the hell has he been smoking". The only understanding eyes I get are from people who are in the medical field or those who are also preparing for the exam. Then they just shrug off my actions as pre-exam jitters. But still, I do want to explain to people that right now really isn't a good time. But if they hang around long enough, they will see that I will normalize.
"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell, I know right now you can't tell... but stay with me awhile and baby then you'll see a different side of me..." It goes something like that right?


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